April 2008 written by Casey
The other day a little piece of my heart broke off and dissolved into nothingness. I felt it happen. It was a distinct break.
It was not to be mistaken for anything else. It was definitely a piece of my heart.
That little piece had been painful for a long time, always a dull steady simmering as if waiting for the final moments of it’s hanging on to at last take place.
Out of somewhere so deep that words are not allowed or com-prehended, the tearing began…
steadily and slowly ripping into my chest as it cut itself off from the rest of its’ surroundings.
No panic really, only inside wailing mounting higher as the tearing finished.
Suddenly it was silent and the pressure was lifted. Like a tightly wrapped spring that had gained freedom at last. A sure resolution came over my whole heart as it sighed loudly “finally”
I think it was the first time I actually lost a piece of my heart forever. It has been shredded, stomped, rejected, blessed and full to overflowing before, but it still stayed intact.
Not this time.
I wonder if anyone has ever studied how many little pieces of a heart can break off before the accumulation is more than their remaining heart? Will it be missed? And does it repair itself this side of Heaven?
Before any answers come,
Somewhere deeper than this first break, I feel another starting.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
The Red Plate
Written by Casey June 29,2006
When the children were little, we had a big red plate just like so many other families during the mid 70's. It read “You are special today” across the top in bold white letters set against the deep red. The red plate was pretty exciting. It represented delightful feelings of love, importance, and power. It meant you were picked out today as THE SPECIAL ONE. Whether the occasion was a birthday, losing a tooth or passing a test, out came the red plate. The boys loved that plate. They would watch as I set the table with all the regular dishes while the honored person would get the red plate at their place, the special one.
I had forgotten that tiny part of life tucked away in memories until yesterday. A young mother I love came in the store to give me a hug and tell me she loves me. Her hurt over Paddy leaving was so evident she could not speak, and I could tell the whole time she was in my store that she was on the verge of a very hard cry and did not trust her mouth to even open. Our eyes said it all. Her three little ones, who I absolutely adore, hung around her legs as she walked in, till they saw me. Then the run to get their special hugs began. I needed that so! She left after awhile, but in less than an hour she came bouncing back in the store with the most beautiful smile on her face and a box in her hands. She laid the box on the counter, said “I just saw this at a sale and I had to get it. I knew I was supposed to give it to you.” She left as quickly as her tears were breaking through. One of “those moments.” Mom to mom.
The store was quiet that day, and I sat down and put the box in my lap. Inside the box, a shiny new red plate that immediately threw me back in time. It looked exactly like the red plate of years ago! As I gazed at it I was filled with a deep fluttering of hope and the sweetness of yesterday only moms can understand. The words on it where not “you are special today”…the words on it were:
“God thinks you are special today…..and every day”
There are no words to describe what I felt when I saw it. I think, as my precious friend Beverly says, it was a sweet kiss from Jesus. And I also think a big hug from Patrick. I knew again that through my aching and longing I would be getting a lot of those joyful kisses and hugs and messages.
Sweet Lord, keep me sensitive to them and to welcome them. Help me to see all the others that have a void in their lives because Paddy is gone for them too. Help me make others who are grieving to feel how special they are to YOU. Enlarge my territory of pain to include others You send me who need a hug from YOU.
The red plate is returning to our home and it will be taken out for grandchildren, friends, family members and anyone else who comes by, this I know.
A few weeks before Paddy left, a little framed poem he had ordered off the internet arrived in the mail. He said right off, “Mom this is such a cheesy plastic thing but it had all the words I wanted to say to you on it.”
“The greatest impression a mother can leave on her child is the message of her living FAITH, Unwavering HOPE, And steady TRUST in GOD that will be engraved on their hearts forever.” (Bonnie Jensen)
I think tonight I will eat on the red plate.
When the children were little, we had a big red plate just like so many other families during the mid 70's. It read “You are special today” across the top in bold white letters set against the deep red. The red plate was pretty exciting. It represented delightful feelings of love, importance, and power. It meant you were picked out today as THE SPECIAL ONE. Whether the occasion was a birthday, losing a tooth or passing a test, out came the red plate. The boys loved that plate. They would watch as I set the table with all the regular dishes while the honored person would get the red plate at their place, the special one.
I had forgotten that tiny part of life tucked away in memories until yesterday. A young mother I love came in the store to give me a hug and tell me she loves me. Her hurt over Paddy leaving was so evident she could not speak, and I could tell the whole time she was in my store that she was on the verge of a very hard cry and did not trust her mouth to even open. Our eyes said it all. Her three little ones, who I absolutely adore, hung around her legs as she walked in, till they saw me. Then the run to get their special hugs began. I needed that so! She left after awhile, but in less than an hour she came bouncing back in the store with the most beautiful smile on her face and a box in her hands. She laid the box on the counter, said “I just saw this at a sale and I had to get it. I knew I was supposed to give it to you.” She left as quickly as her tears were breaking through. One of “those moments.” Mom to mom.
The store was quiet that day, and I sat down and put the box in my lap. Inside the box, a shiny new red plate that immediately threw me back in time. It looked exactly like the red plate of years ago! As I gazed at it I was filled with a deep fluttering of hope and the sweetness of yesterday only moms can understand. The words on it where not “you are special today”…the words on it were:
“God thinks you are special today…..and every day”
There are no words to describe what I felt when I saw it. I think, as my precious friend Beverly says, it was a sweet kiss from Jesus. And I also think a big hug from Patrick. I knew again that through my aching and longing I would be getting a lot of those joyful kisses and hugs and messages.
Sweet Lord, keep me sensitive to them and to welcome them. Help me to see all the others that have a void in their lives because Paddy is gone for them too. Help me make others who are grieving to feel how special they are to YOU. Enlarge my territory of pain to include others You send me who need a hug from YOU.
The red plate is returning to our home and it will be taken out for grandchildren, friends, family members and anyone else who comes by, this I know.
A few weeks before Paddy left, a little framed poem he had ordered off the internet arrived in the mail. He said right off, “Mom this is such a cheesy plastic thing but it had all the words I wanted to say to you on it.”
“The greatest impression a mother can leave on her child is the message of her living FAITH, Unwavering HOPE, And steady TRUST in GOD that will be engraved on their hearts forever.” (Bonnie Jensen)
I think tonight I will eat on the red plate.
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